How much can you bear?

It was the end of October 2009 when I was released from the hospital after a 4-5 day stay.  They released me, telling me to see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist, but in my mind I was NOT seeing another doctor.  I thought to myself, whether I live or die they will still get paid...lol

But when I got home, it literally went from bad to worse and from worse to terrible!  I am in 24 hour constant pain that I cannot describe.  I can remember laying in my bed crying and asking God if He could just give me a couple seconds relief from this pain. I was staying awake about 15 minutes at the most and half of the time I had no clue of what was going on around me.  I still can't walk or even use the bathroom. I remember my wife coming in the room and sitting beside my bed and reading texts of scripture to me and both of us would be crying because we didn't know what was going on.  Was I going to be like this for the rest of my life?  Every morning she would wake up and talk to God and fight the Devil at the same time.  Its WONDERFUL when you know you have somebody in your life that KNOWS how to get a prayer through!

However I knew what I was going to do...I couldn't take anymore.  I remember one evening my wife came upstairs and tried to feed me because I wasn't eating.  I told her that I didn't want any and she left the room.  I remember her shutting the door and I said this to God: "Okay God, she is out of the room.  I ask that you keep my wife and my son.  Take care of all of their needs and help them get through this.  Touch my mom, dad and sister as well; but I can't take this anymore so please just kill me.  I'm not doing anything but laying in the bed suffering in pain; so please I am asking you to just please kill me...

I woke up the next morning frustrated because I was still here and didn't understand why?!?  A few days later I was laying in the bed just trying to get through another level of pain as well as fighting for some breath.  And as sure as you hear someone talking, I heard a voice say to me: "You are going to be like this for the rest of your life, so you better get used to it!"  When I heard that I asked the Lord again to take my life because I couldn't be like this for the rest of my life and thought I would be better off dead.  When I woke up the next morning, I was the angriest black man in America!

Many people have asked me if I questioned God during this time, and to be quite honest I really didn't...at the time.  I wasn't trying to be spiritual, nor was I taking a posture of saying that God always knows best.  I was in such bad shape that I didn't have time to ask questions or even think about that.  I was literally concentrating on fighting through pain and taking breaths.

In my world I have learned that sometimes we will go through so much at the same time that you don't have time to ask questions; all you can do is concentrate on the moment!  Have you ever been through something though, that you said to yourself: "I can't make it through this!"  Looking back, I am still trying to understand how I went through all of this, but I am learning that what we think is our ending point, is where God is just getting started!  I couldn't watch television at this point, or read, or do anything.  All I could do is hear God, and to be honest, I have never been as close to God as I was at this particular point.  Did I, at this point understand how bad I really was?  No.  I knew it was bad, but medically I didn't find out until later that I was literally knocking on deaths door.

When you are a Christian and you think you are going through something that you just cannot get through, please believe that you can!  I understand that it may be bad and you, like me, wanted to give up; but there are usually two reasons we go through these kinds of things: 1. To draw us closer to God.  You have to honestly admit that you are closer to God after going through some stuff. 2. God has picked your life to get glory out of.  For some reason God trust that what you are going through is not going to break you, but make you stronger; and as a result people look at your situation and give God so much glory because of what He has brought you through.

How much can you bear?  Probably a lot more than you think!  Why?  Because God knows that the weight that is on you right now is not going to destroy you, but strengthen you!  1 Corinthians 1:8 says: "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."

I know it's difficult, but trust me, He is keeping you right now!