Its frightening to not know whether you are going to live or die. To realize that there are so many things that you wanted to do but didn't get the chance to do or finish can be difficult to cope with. Upon returning home from the hospital in 2009, this is where I found myself. I wish that I could say that every day I was laying in the bed singing songs of encouragement and quoting texts of scripture to lift my spirits; but the truth is that there were some very difficult days. I used to feel bad or think that in some way I let God down for not always, seemingly having the best attitude about my situation. It was through the experience in my world that I realized that as a believer, life is a series of battles. There will be moments that it seems that you are winning and that every place you stand is being defeated; and then there are other days, days that you wish at times you hadn't been born! Days that you wish never started! What makes you stronger though is how you respond to each battle.
I have learned that there is really only ONE thing that helps you get through each battle! If someone knows of another thing please let me know! That ONE thing is the word of God. The bible says in Ephesians 6, that we must put on the whole armor of God so that we can stand against the schemes of the devil. It goes on to say that we must take up the whole armor of God so that we may be able to withstand in the evil day! Have any of you had an evil day before? I mean a day that was just totally terrible! What about an evil month or even an evil year? It was a blessing that I had memorized texts of scripture before I got sick, because when I was sick I couldn't read anything so the only thing that I could fall back on was the word I had already read. Sometimes all you have is what God has already told you and until that word comes to pass, sometimes God will not give you another one.
I would quote to myself during some moments: "The Lord is my light and my salvation who shall I fear", other days I might say: "God I can't take this anymore" Some days I would say: "By his stripes I am healed", still, there were days when I would say: "God this is too much, come on now!" Other times I could feel prayers and would say: "Thanks be unto God who always causes us to triumph!" I would tell my wife text of scriptures to read back to me just so I could have something positive put in my mind to battle against so many negative thoughts. If you are depressed, sad, stressed out, or just in a poor place right now, there is NOTHING that will help you other than the Word of God! Because so many things that are in your mind are brought on by spirits, you need something that is able to fight on the level of a spirit. You need the Spirit of God so that there is something that can fight against spirits. This was a HARD lesson for me to learn because often we rely on so many other things...
I know this is not knew information to most of you but...people WILL let you down! There were so many people who tried to "speak words into my life" during this time but they really didn't understand what they were doing. So many people would say to me or my wife: "IF you need anything let me know!" The reality is though, if you are going through something that you have never been through before HOW do you know what you need?!?! If someone is going through a difficult situation they no doubt need something, the question is are you willing to do what they may need. Truthfully speaking though, I didn't have time to fight through pain, and try to keep breathing, and battle depression...AND figure out something to tell someone something that I needed at the same time. Besides...what I really needed above anything else was to be healed. I often wondered (and I've been guilty of this) why some people who ask what people need don't lay hands on people and don't actually pray for what they need?!? We place entirely too much confidence in people and then when they let us down, our whole world changes, when in fact we gave them too much in the first place.
HOWEVER: Isaiah 40:8 says, "The grass withers and the flowers fade BUT the Word of our God stands FOREVER" The bible also says: Psalm 138:3, "...You have exalted above all things your name and your word"
May I encourage you today, to become extremely acquainted with the only thing that will not let you down? Friends and Family are great; but even they can disappoint you. Close friends and confidants are wonderful, but they are prone to make mistakes. Remember Numbers 23:19, "God is not man, that he should lie"
In my world I've learned how important the Word of God is! Try reading some today!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
How much can you bear?
It was the end of October 2009 when I was released from the hospital after a 4-5 day stay. They released me, telling me to see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist, but in my mind I was NOT seeing another doctor. I thought to myself, whether I live or die they will still get paid...lol
But when I got home, it literally went from bad to worse and from worse to terrible! I am in 24 hour constant pain that I cannot describe. I can remember laying in my bed crying and asking God if He could just give me a couple seconds relief from this pain. I was staying awake about 15 minutes at the most and half of the time I had no clue of what was going on around me. I still can't walk or even use the bathroom. I remember my wife coming in the room and sitting beside my bed and reading texts of scripture to me and both of us would be crying because we didn't know what was going on. Was I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Every morning she would wake up and talk to God and fight the Devil at the same time. Its WONDERFUL when you know you have somebody in your life that KNOWS how to get a prayer through!
However I knew what I was going to do...I couldn't take anymore. I remember one evening my wife came upstairs and tried to feed me because I wasn't eating. I told her that I didn't want any and she left the room. I remember her shutting the door and I said this to God: "Okay God, she is out of the room. I ask that you keep my wife and my son. Take care of all of their needs and help them get through this. Touch my mom, dad and sister as well; but I can't take this anymore so please just kill me. I'm not doing anything but laying in the bed suffering in pain; so please I am asking you to just please kill me...
I woke up the next morning frustrated because I was still here and didn't understand why?!? A few days later I was laying in the bed just trying to get through another level of pain as well as fighting for some breath. And as sure as you hear someone talking, I heard a voice say to me: "You are going to be like this for the rest of your life, so you better get used to it!" When I heard that I asked the Lord again to take my life because I couldn't be like this for the rest of my life and thought I would be better off dead. When I woke up the next morning, I was the angriest black man in America!
Many people have asked me if I questioned God during this time, and to be quite honest I really didn't...at the time. I wasn't trying to be spiritual, nor was I taking a posture of saying that God always knows best. I was in such bad shape that I didn't have time to ask questions or even think about that. I was literally concentrating on fighting through pain and taking breaths.
In my world I have learned that sometimes we will go through so much at the same time that you don't have time to ask questions; all you can do is concentrate on the moment! Have you ever been through something though, that you said to yourself: "I can't make it through this!" Looking back, I am still trying to understand how I went through all of this, but I am learning that what we think is our ending point, is where God is just getting started! I couldn't watch television at this point, or read, or do anything. All I could do is hear God, and to be honest, I have never been as close to God as I was at this particular point. Did I, at this point understand how bad I really was? No. I knew it was bad, but medically I didn't find out until later that I was literally knocking on deaths door.
When you are a Christian and you think you are going through something that you just cannot get through, please believe that you can! I understand that it may be bad and you, like me, wanted to give up; but there are usually two reasons we go through these kinds of things: 1. To draw us closer to God. You have to honestly admit that you are closer to God after going through some stuff. 2. God has picked your life to get glory out of. For some reason God trust that what you are going through is not going to break you, but make you stronger; and as a result people look at your situation and give God so much glory because of what He has brought you through.
How much can you bear? Probably a lot more than you think! Why? Because God knows that the weight that is on you right now is not going to destroy you, but strengthen you! 1 Corinthians 1:8 says: "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."
I know it's difficult, but trust me, He is keeping you right now!
But when I got home, it literally went from bad to worse and from worse to terrible! I am in 24 hour constant pain that I cannot describe. I can remember laying in my bed crying and asking God if He could just give me a couple seconds relief from this pain. I was staying awake about 15 minutes at the most and half of the time I had no clue of what was going on around me. I still can't walk or even use the bathroom. I remember my wife coming in the room and sitting beside my bed and reading texts of scripture to me and both of us would be crying because we didn't know what was going on. Was I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Every morning she would wake up and talk to God and fight the Devil at the same time. Its WONDERFUL when you know you have somebody in your life that KNOWS how to get a prayer through!
However I knew what I was going to do...I couldn't take anymore. I remember one evening my wife came upstairs and tried to feed me because I wasn't eating. I told her that I didn't want any and she left the room. I remember her shutting the door and I said this to God: "Okay God, she is out of the room. I ask that you keep my wife and my son. Take care of all of their needs and help them get through this. Touch my mom, dad and sister as well; but I can't take this anymore so please just kill me. I'm not doing anything but laying in the bed suffering in pain; so please I am asking you to just please kill me...
I woke up the next morning frustrated because I was still here and didn't understand why?!? A few days later I was laying in the bed just trying to get through another level of pain as well as fighting for some breath. And as sure as you hear someone talking, I heard a voice say to me: "You are going to be like this for the rest of your life, so you better get used to it!" When I heard that I asked the Lord again to take my life because I couldn't be like this for the rest of my life and thought I would be better off dead. When I woke up the next morning, I was the angriest black man in America!
Many people have asked me if I questioned God during this time, and to be quite honest I really didn't...at the time. I wasn't trying to be spiritual, nor was I taking a posture of saying that God always knows best. I was in such bad shape that I didn't have time to ask questions or even think about that. I was literally concentrating on fighting through pain and taking breaths.
In my world I have learned that sometimes we will go through so much at the same time that you don't have time to ask questions; all you can do is concentrate on the moment! Have you ever been through something though, that you said to yourself: "I can't make it through this!" Looking back, I am still trying to understand how I went through all of this, but I am learning that what we think is our ending point, is where God is just getting started! I couldn't watch television at this point, or read, or do anything. All I could do is hear God, and to be honest, I have never been as close to God as I was at this particular point. Did I, at this point understand how bad I really was? No. I knew it was bad, but medically I didn't find out until later that I was literally knocking on deaths door.
When you are a Christian and you think you are going through something that you just cannot get through, please believe that you can! I understand that it may be bad and you, like me, wanted to give up; but there are usually two reasons we go through these kinds of things: 1. To draw us closer to God. You have to honestly admit that you are closer to God after going through some stuff. 2. God has picked your life to get glory out of. For some reason God trust that what you are going through is not going to break you, but make you stronger; and as a result people look at your situation and give God so much glory because of what He has brought you through.
How much can you bear? Probably a lot more than you think! Why? Because God knows that the weight that is on you right now is not going to destroy you, but strengthen you! 1 Corinthians 1:8 says: "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."
I know it's difficult, but trust me, He is keeping you right now!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Stronger
In my world I have learned that as a Christian, you WILL go through at least one major difficulty in life! You don't get to choose this challenge, and it is something that you usually don't see coming. If you carry the name Christian and truly desire to walk with God, please understand that if you have not already, you will face something in this life that you will have no control over and that you can't fix. I don't say this to trouble or scare you, I say it to be honest. In todays world of 'church', I am not sure where we got this idea from...but we have been lead to believe that if we say certain things they will automatically come to pass. Yet scripture tells me that in this life you WILL have trouble!
My trouble has been Lyme Disease, your trouble may be: Cancer, Diabetes, Divorce, A troubled child, etc. What I love about Jesus though is that right after he tells us that we would have trouble, he tells us to be of good cheer! In other words, its okay if you experience trouble because I have already overcome the WORLD. That tells me that everything that happens in this world Jesus has absolute control over because he has overcome the WORLD. Besides, the reality is that whatever we are going through God is ultimately using it to bring us closer to Him. At the end of the day, when its all said and done, God wants us to spend forever with him. I know fully understand what the Apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
In comparison to how much time we will ultimately spend with Jesus, whatever you are going through right now is small. What helps me and keeps me going in my world, is knowing that just around the corner Jesus is ultimately going to put an end to trouble! However until then, you have to admit what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! Now, you are much closer to God than you were before!
My trouble has been Lyme Disease, your trouble may be: Cancer, Diabetes, Divorce, A troubled child, etc. What I love about Jesus though is that right after he tells us that we would have trouble, he tells us to be of good cheer! In other words, its okay if you experience trouble because I have already overcome the WORLD. That tells me that everything that happens in this world Jesus has absolute control over because he has overcome the WORLD. Besides, the reality is that whatever we are going through God is ultimately using it to bring us closer to Him. At the end of the day, when its all said and done, God wants us to spend forever with him. I know fully understand what the Apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"
In comparison to how much time we will ultimately spend with Jesus, whatever you are going through right now is small. What helps me and keeps me going in my world, is knowing that just around the corner Jesus is ultimately going to put an end to trouble! However until then, you have to admit what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! Now, you are much closer to God than you were before!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving
I hope by now, that you have not waited until Thanksgiving to really give God thanks! The reality is however that most of us use Thanksgiving as a singular time to thank God for what He has done in our lives throughout the entire year. So we live from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving, waiting for the seasonal time of the year to thank God for his goodness.
What I am trying to do in my life, and I challenge you to do the same, is to focus on WHO God is and Not WHAT He does. If we were completely honest, the majority of us give God praise for WHAT He does. For example, when we: Get a new job, Get a new house, Get a promotion, Get a car, etc. We thank God, and we should, usually when we get things; as if our relationship with God should solely be based on what we get. So that when we don't get anything, there is nothing to thank Him for. Regardless of what we already have, we always are looking for God to give us something, and interestingly enough what we usually want from God is only wanted to bless us, not other people.
In my world I have learned that if I only focus on WHAT God does, I could be setting myself up for serious discouragement! But WHO God is will always give me hope...because the bible says that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. My absolute favorite though is when the bible tells me that God is love! Which means that when I don't get what I want doesn't mean that God isn't working! His love for me is greater than my wants in this life!
I challenge you...focus on WHO He is. That will always give you something to be grateful about!!!
What I am trying to do in my life, and I challenge you to do the same, is to focus on WHO God is and Not WHAT He does. If we were completely honest, the majority of us give God praise for WHAT He does. For example, when we: Get a new job, Get a new house, Get a promotion, Get a car, etc. We thank God, and we should, usually when we get things; as if our relationship with God should solely be based on what we get. So that when we don't get anything, there is nothing to thank Him for. Regardless of what we already have, we always are looking for God to give us something, and interestingly enough what we usually want from God is only wanted to bless us, not other people.
In my world I have learned that if I only focus on WHAT God does, I could be setting myself up for serious discouragement! But WHO God is will always give me hope...because the bible says that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. My absolute favorite though is when the bible tells me that God is love! Which means that when I don't get what I want doesn't mean that God isn't working! His love for me is greater than my wants in this life!
I challenge you...focus on WHO He is. That will always give you something to be grateful about!!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Back to the ER
I rested at home after coming back from the emergency room wondering what in the world is going on with me. I am still in constant 24 hour pain, not able to walk, and experiencing terrible nausea. Above all of this though was the pain I felt from being away from my wife and two year old son. The doctors told me that I had swine flu and to stay away from my family so that I would not contaminate them. I must admit that I, and you probably do too, often take for granted people who mean the most to us in life.
I never thought that lightning could strike twice in the same place, however that evening it struck terribly for me. Remember the burning feeling that came on my neck and head the night before? It came back again the very next night...BUT WORSE!!! So I am now literally laying in bed talking to God saying: "Come on now God, I went through this last night, I can't do this again." Have you ever gone through something that you felt you could never go through, and then something very similar happens again, and you are saying to yourself: "God you have got to be kidding me." This pain is getting worse and worse so my wife suggests that we go back to the hospital but I don't want to go because, well...at this point I don't trust doctors and they haven't helped me.
A family friend, who is a doctor, hears of whats going on and suggests that I come to his hospital where he works in the emergency room. I don't really want to go but the pain keeps getting worse! So we go to the emergency room, where I am taken really good care of...its good to know people! My MRI was clean so they do a spinal tap to see what was going on. While the doctor is performing the spinal tap...I don't think that I have NEVER prayed as hard as I have during this time. I prayed: "God, please just hold me." I repeated that to God while the doctor was performing the spinal tap, and I could, even through pain feel God lift me and despite what I felt, I somehow knew that everything would be alright!
They saw some things from the spinal tap in which they wanted to keep me there. So for the next four days I'm in the hospital. Waking up and looking at my arms and legs that had gotten swollen over night. I am laying in the hospital, frustrated because I am in constant pain, and none of the medicine they gave me took away my pain or my nausea. They ran test from Lupus to AIDS; and everything came back negative!!! Everything except Lyme Disease...But they said: "You don't have that, you have Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis, so we want you to go and see a Rheumatoid Arthritis specialist. There are still some test that haven't come back yet but we really think you have this."
After that diagnosis, I turned to my wife and said: "I obviously have something that they can't help. So if I am going to die, take me home." I can't walk, I'm barely talking, I am staying awake maybe like 10-15 minutes at the most...so I honestly felt like I was going to die. My world was really spinning out of control, but I am so glad that despite whats going on in my world HE's got the WHOLE WORLD in His Hand!
Aren't you glad too? No matter how troubled you may feel; it doesn't matter how much mess is going on in your world...God still has everything in His hand.
I never thought that lightning could strike twice in the same place, however that evening it struck terribly for me. Remember the burning feeling that came on my neck and head the night before? It came back again the very next night...BUT WORSE!!! So I am now literally laying in bed talking to God saying: "Come on now God, I went through this last night, I can't do this again." Have you ever gone through something that you felt you could never go through, and then something very similar happens again, and you are saying to yourself: "God you have got to be kidding me." This pain is getting worse and worse so my wife suggests that we go back to the hospital but I don't want to go because, well...at this point I don't trust doctors and they haven't helped me.
A family friend, who is a doctor, hears of whats going on and suggests that I come to his hospital where he works in the emergency room. I don't really want to go but the pain keeps getting worse! So we go to the emergency room, where I am taken really good care of...its good to know people! My MRI was clean so they do a spinal tap to see what was going on. While the doctor is performing the spinal tap...I don't think that I have NEVER prayed as hard as I have during this time. I prayed: "God, please just hold me." I repeated that to God while the doctor was performing the spinal tap, and I could, even through pain feel God lift me and despite what I felt, I somehow knew that everything would be alright!
They saw some things from the spinal tap in which they wanted to keep me there. So for the next four days I'm in the hospital. Waking up and looking at my arms and legs that had gotten swollen over night. I am laying in the hospital, frustrated because I am in constant pain, and none of the medicine they gave me took away my pain or my nausea. They ran test from Lupus to AIDS; and everything came back negative!!! Everything except Lyme Disease...But they said: "You don't have that, you have Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis, so we want you to go and see a Rheumatoid Arthritis specialist. There are still some test that haven't come back yet but we really think you have this."
After that diagnosis, I turned to my wife and said: "I obviously have something that they can't help. So if I am going to die, take me home." I can't walk, I'm barely talking, I am staying awake maybe like 10-15 minutes at the most...so I honestly felt like I was going to die. My world was really spinning out of control, but I am so glad that despite whats going on in my world HE's got the WHOLE WORLD in His Hand!
Aren't you glad too? No matter how troubled you may feel; it doesn't matter how much mess is going on in your world...God still has everything in His hand.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I'm confused...again!
In October 2009, I left a cardiologist office and went home only to be left with more questions and more pain. Do I really have Lyme Disease or not?! No one could really tell me what exactly was going on!
I will never in my life forget the events that happened on October 16. It was around 5 Saturday evening and I was laying in bed just trying to rest and get some relief. However as the night continued on I continued to have a terrible headache. It was a feeling that I had NEVER felt before, this was not a normal headache or even migraine. A few hours later I began to have a literal burning sensation on the back of my neck that continued up to the back of my head. What in the world was this?!? It got stronger and stronger to the point where I felt like the back of my head and neck were on fire! I told my wife that we have to go to the emergency room and find out what is happening.
When I got there and they realized that I could not walk, they took me in a wheelchair back to a room where they took all of my vitals and after looking at me, began yelling in the ER: "He's got meningitis" I didn't even know what they were talking about, but I was a bit upset about the public broadcast! The doctor comes back and sees me and we tell him that I tested positive for Lyme Disease, to which he adamantly told me that I didn't have that. "I bet that you have swine flu. Everyone is coming to the doctor right now with your same symptoms and its swine flu. I tell you what though, we will give you the test for swine flu and I am telling you, thats what you have."
After the test I said: "So I have swine flu?" He says: "Well the test came back negative, but there is a thing called a false positive. So it came up negative but I promise you, that you have swine flu." But I tested positive for Lyme Disease. The DOCTOR said: "Everybody in Maryland probably has Lyme Disease...I probably have it right now. What I want you to do is to drink some Gatorade and water and take some IB profin. Your husband is not going to die tonight so you can take him home." Thankfully because of some medicine they gave me, the headache seemingly went away and they released me from the hospital.
I left the hospital confused once again! I am realizing that in life, we will go through some very confusing situations. One of the things that really encourages me though is what Jesus said in: John 16:33 "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer because I have overcome the world"
I will never in my life forget the events that happened on October 16. It was around 5 Saturday evening and I was laying in bed just trying to rest and get some relief. However as the night continued on I continued to have a terrible headache. It was a feeling that I had NEVER felt before, this was not a normal headache or even migraine. A few hours later I began to have a literal burning sensation on the back of my neck that continued up to the back of my head. What in the world was this?!? It got stronger and stronger to the point where I felt like the back of my head and neck were on fire! I told my wife that we have to go to the emergency room and find out what is happening.
When I got there and they realized that I could not walk, they took me in a wheelchair back to a room where they took all of my vitals and after looking at me, began yelling in the ER: "He's got meningitis" I didn't even know what they were talking about, but I was a bit upset about the public broadcast! The doctor comes back and sees me and we tell him that I tested positive for Lyme Disease, to which he adamantly told me that I didn't have that. "I bet that you have swine flu. Everyone is coming to the doctor right now with your same symptoms and its swine flu. I tell you what though, we will give you the test for swine flu and I am telling you, thats what you have."
After the test I said: "So I have swine flu?" He says: "Well the test came back negative, but there is a thing called a false positive. So it came up negative but I promise you, that you have swine flu." But I tested positive for Lyme Disease. The DOCTOR said: "Everybody in Maryland probably has Lyme Disease...I probably have it right now. What I want you to do is to drink some Gatorade and water and take some IB profin. Your husband is not going to die tonight so you can take him home." Thankfully because of some medicine they gave me, the headache seemingly went away and they released me from the hospital.
I left the hospital confused once again! I am realizing that in life, we will go through some very confusing situations. One of the things that really encourages me though is what Jesus said in: John 16:33 "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer because I have overcome the world"
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Maturity
One of the many things I have learned on my journey is that many of us have grown up in cultures that will not admit it, but they encourage complacency. Why do you do what you do? Why do you believe what you believe? Can you really say that you stand on or for something, or do you just accept what others have told you to believe?
For some reason, we can grow comfortable where we are...especially when we look at other people! We will say things like: "I don't do what they do" or "At least I go to church", when the reality is another person's position in God has nothing to do with me.
I have realized my immaturity when I attend churches and sit there thinking..."This person isn't preaching about anything....or Why are they singing....or I should have gone to another church so I can worship." Does this sound familiar? I'm not taking personal responsibility away from ministers who are lazy with their presentations, however I am wondering if most of our experiences with God are completely based off of what is going on around us? We only want to lift hands if the praise team is great? We will only stand up during a sermon when the preacher is saying something we want to hear? We love to change everything but the most important thing...US?!?
I challenge you today, this sabbath day to ask God to grow you in some way. If we focus on ourselves more than other people and things then maybe we will actually see that our view is much clearer! Are you growing and maturing today?
For some reason, we can grow comfortable where we are...especially when we look at other people! We will say things like: "I don't do what they do" or "At least I go to church", when the reality is another person's position in God has nothing to do with me.
I have realized my immaturity when I attend churches and sit there thinking..."This person isn't preaching about anything....or Why are they singing....or I should have gone to another church so I can worship." Does this sound familiar? I'm not taking personal responsibility away from ministers who are lazy with their presentations, however I am wondering if most of our experiences with God are completely based off of what is going on around us? We only want to lift hands if the praise team is great? We will only stand up during a sermon when the preacher is saying something we want to hear? We love to change everything but the most important thing...US?!?
I challenge you today, this sabbath day to ask God to grow you in some way. If we focus on ourselves more than other people and things then maybe we will actually see that our view is much clearer! Are you growing and maturing today?
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Who do you trust? Are you for sure?
One of the worst things that can happen in a person's life is when there are things that are terribly wrong and they have no clue as to what is going on. Its October 2009 and I literally felt like the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8. I had gone to an urgent care doctor, my primary care doctor, and now on my way to see a cardiologist and nobody could definitively tell me anything. Nobody was saying: "You have this, lets do this and you will start improving." I was getting worse every week.
We got to the cardiologist where they did an EKG test again, and again it came up that my heartbeat was terribly abnormal, so they proceeded to do an echogram, a test that looks in your heart to see whats going on. They did the test and the cardiologist said: "Your heart looks fine but its very weak right now" (whatever that means) I remember going back to his office and him giving me this diagnosis thinking to myself that I was really in bad shape. They didn't know if my abnormal heartbeat was something that I have always had (I had never had an EKG before) or was it something being brought on by something else. However what made it worse was the Cardiologist next comments to me. I was already feeling terrible, physically and mentally. He says (I will NEVER forget this): "Well your the doctor said you have Lyme Disease huh? Well I don't know too much about that, so I guess that's what you have, but one thing is for sure, you look like sh*t, I you look terrible! But all I deal with is the heart, I don't know about Lyme so make an appointment to see me in a couple of weeks so we can check your heart again. What?!? I just paid you $35 to tell me something that I already knew? So I return home again, with no real answers. I am, at this point, in 24 hour constant pain that I literally cannot describe, extreme fatigue, nausea that makes me feel I am about to throw up constantly, and I can't walk.
I will be totally honest, at this point, I had lost ALL respect for doctors. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate doctors and I have friends who are doctors. However, at the point where I was, where no one was helping me I didn't trust them much anymore. Its not the best position I understand to be in, but hey, thats where I was. Yet it taught me a huge lesson. God taught me that most of us trust people, systems, and things that by nature are prone to let us down! I had so much trust in doctors to help me get better that I had forgotten Who could make be better in an instant. If you were asked today: Do you trust God? Most of you would say of course I do! However, I have learned that trust can really only be determined after it is challenged. In order for you to say that you fully trust something or someone, it must be tested or put up against something else.
There are many of you who can now say that you trust God because your faith was put to the test against a financial problem, a relationship, or a hardship in life. After all, how will you know how much you really need Him unless there is something in your life that questions His power in your life? And for most of us, when difficult things happen in our lives, it is often an indication of how far away from Him we really are. So do you really trust God or do you just like telling people that you are a believer?
Stay tuned...my world in 2009 hasn't even gotten real yet...I challenge you today to trust God!
We got to the cardiologist where they did an EKG test again, and again it came up that my heartbeat was terribly abnormal, so they proceeded to do an echogram, a test that looks in your heart to see whats going on. They did the test and the cardiologist said: "Your heart looks fine but its very weak right now" (whatever that means) I remember going back to his office and him giving me this diagnosis thinking to myself that I was really in bad shape. They didn't know if my abnormal heartbeat was something that I have always had (I had never had an EKG before) or was it something being brought on by something else. However what made it worse was the Cardiologist next comments to me. I was already feeling terrible, physically and mentally. He says (I will NEVER forget this): "Well your the doctor said you have Lyme Disease huh? Well I don't know too much about that, so I guess that's what you have, but one thing is for sure, you look like sh*t, I you look terrible! But all I deal with is the heart, I don't know about Lyme so make an appointment to see me in a couple of weeks so we can check your heart again. What?!? I just paid you $35 to tell me something that I already knew? So I return home again, with no real answers. I am, at this point, in 24 hour constant pain that I literally cannot describe, extreme fatigue, nausea that makes me feel I am about to throw up constantly, and I can't walk.
I will be totally honest, at this point, I had lost ALL respect for doctors. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate doctors and I have friends who are doctors. However, at the point where I was, where no one was helping me I didn't trust them much anymore. Its not the best position I understand to be in, but hey, thats where I was. Yet it taught me a huge lesson. God taught me that most of us trust people, systems, and things that by nature are prone to let us down! I had so much trust in doctors to help me get better that I had forgotten Who could make be better in an instant. If you were asked today: Do you trust God? Most of you would say of course I do! However, I have learned that trust can really only be determined after it is challenged. In order for you to say that you fully trust something or someone, it must be tested or put up against something else.
There are many of you who can now say that you trust God because your faith was put to the test against a financial problem, a relationship, or a hardship in life. After all, how will you know how much you really need Him unless there is something in your life that questions His power in your life? And for most of us, when difficult things happen in our lives, it is often an indication of how far away from Him we really are. So do you really trust God or do you just like telling people that you are a believer?
Stay tuned...my world in 2009 hasn't even gotten real yet...I challenge you today to trust God!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Whats really going on?
They had given me Amoxicillin to take and after taking it for about a week I literally, could no longer walk. So I started wondering, okay whats really going on?!? I went in to my primary care doctor and after seeing that I could not walk she started asking me whats going on. I remember her looking very confused because in the doctor's mind, it was just a flu.
She then started listening to my breathing and wondering why I was having an extremely difficult time breathing. She said: "What's wrong, why can't you breathe?" After watching my breathing and seeing that I could not walk the doctor said to me: "You know what, you don't have Lyme Disease then, its something else." After testing positive for it, she told me that I didn't have that! She then had the tech come in the room and give me an EKG exam to see why I was having problems breathing. After doing it I looked at the tech and said: "Everything is okay right?" I knew that the tech could not tell me what the results were, but the look in her eyes to me told me that something was not good. So the doctor comes back in and says lets do that again, because there's no way that it was done correctly. The tech does the EKG exam again and once again the exam comes back that my heartbeat is TERRIBLY abnormal ( I had never had heart problems). The doctor comes in a third time and is very disturbed because she can't believe what the results are saying, and doesn't believe that the tech is doing it correctly. So she stays in the room and watches the tech do it the third time and after seeing the results she looks at me in the eyes and says: Are you okay? You need to go right now to see a cardiologist!!!
I was on my way to see a neurologist because of the headaches that I was also having, but the doctor told me how disturbed she was by the EKG results and we went straight over to see a cardiologist to see what the problem was. I remember being driven over to the cardiologist thinking...I can't walk, I can't breathe, I'm in constant pain, and my head hurts...What is going on?!?!?!?
I don't know who this blog may be for today, but I am so glad that when I don't know whats going on, I am so glad that God knows exactly whats going on. Stop trying to fight through your pain AND trying to figure out whats going on. There are many of you who are going through some serious challenges and are having a difficult time getting through. What many of us love to do however, is to try and figure out EVERYTHING. Can I suggest to you that our job has never been to try and figure out everything that is going on...that's God's job and His delight. If there is one thing that I am glad about that I have learned in my world that has released me from so much stress and pain, its knowing that God always knows whats really truly going on!
She then started listening to my breathing and wondering why I was having an extremely difficult time breathing. She said: "What's wrong, why can't you breathe?" After watching my breathing and seeing that I could not walk the doctor said to me: "You know what, you don't have Lyme Disease then, its something else." After testing positive for it, she told me that I didn't have that! She then had the tech come in the room and give me an EKG exam to see why I was having problems breathing. After doing it I looked at the tech and said: "Everything is okay right?" I knew that the tech could not tell me what the results were, but the look in her eyes to me told me that something was not good. So the doctor comes back in and says lets do that again, because there's no way that it was done correctly. The tech does the EKG exam again and once again the exam comes back that my heartbeat is TERRIBLY abnormal ( I had never had heart problems). The doctor comes in a third time and is very disturbed because she can't believe what the results are saying, and doesn't believe that the tech is doing it correctly. So she stays in the room and watches the tech do it the third time and after seeing the results she looks at me in the eyes and says: Are you okay? You need to go right now to see a cardiologist!!!
I was on my way to see a neurologist because of the headaches that I was also having, but the doctor told me how disturbed she was by the EKG results and we went straight over to see a cardiologist to see what the problem was. I remember being driven over to the cardiologist thinking...I can't walk, I can't breathe, I'm in constant pain, and my head hurts...What is going on?!?!?!?
I don't know who this blog may be for today, but I am so glad that when I don't know whats going on, I am so glad that God knows exactly whats going on. Stop trying to fight through your pain AND trying to figure out whats going on. There are many of you who are going through some serious challenges and are having a difficult time getting through. What many of us love to do however, is to try and figure out EVERYTHING. Can I suggest to you that our job has never been to try and figure out everything that is going on...that's God's job and His delight. If there is one thing that I am glad about that I have learned in my world that has released me from so much stress and pain, its knowing that God always knows whats really truly going on!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Swine Flu?!?
If you remember back to the fall of 2009, many people were nervous about swine flu; the terrible cold that was actually killing people. I was initially told that I had contracted swine flu and was given a Z-pac from urgent care. I took one pill every day for the next 5 days hoping that I would begin feeling better because at this time I was beginning to have aches, pains, and just didn't feel like myself. However after completing the medication I had actually felt a little worse. I told my wife: "You know something is just not right with me!" We went to my doctor, at the time, and they began asking a series of questions, and said okay, we are going to check your liver and kidney functions. I remember her telling me that they were going to test for some other things, and then she said we are going to test you for Mono, and since you live in Maryland we are going to test you for Lyme.
I waiting for these test desperately, trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. Its October and this problem had been persisting for weeks now! The doctor's office called me back and said: "Everything is normal its probably just a little flu. There are two test that are outstanding but those will probably come back negative as well. The flu has to run its course so you should be alright in about 5 days." I thought to myself that it had been well over 5 days so why do I still have this 'flu'. Do I really have swine flu? What in the world is going on with me? You know what your body is supposed to feel like, even when you have a flu, and my body was not feeling like that. I can't correctly explain it but I was feeling a way that I had never felt before, which is why I KNEW that it was definitely not just a flu.
I remember calling back trying to find out the results of the last two test but they weren't in yet. Its frustrating when you have a difficulty but you don't have any answers! They called me back the next day and said: "Mr. Washington you tested negative for Mono, but you tested positive for Lyme." Yes!!!! I can't tell you how happy me and my family were to FINALLY find out what was really wrong with me; I knew that it was something. We were so excited!!! I asked the doctor: "So what does that mean, I don't know anything about Lyme?" The doctor said: "Well, there is a medicine you can take one pill twice a day or there is another medicine you can take one pill, three times a day...which one do you want." I thought to myself, I've never been to medical school, why would I know what medicine to take? I brushed it off and told her to give me the one that you take three times a day, I wanted to start feeling better as soon as possible!
Finally, I would be on the road to recovery...Or so I thought. I took that medicine for a week, and at the end of that week, I could NOT walk...My world started to get real crazy....
I waiting for these test desperately, trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. Its October and this problem had been persisting for weeks now! The doctor's office called me back and said: "Everything is normal its probably just a little flu. There are two test that are outstanding but those will probably come back negative as well. The flu has to run its course so you should be alright in about 5 days." I thought to myself that it had been well over 5 days so why do I still have this 'flu'. Do I really have swine flu? What in the world is going on with me? You know what your body is supposed to feel like, even when you have a flu, and my body was not feeling like that. I can't correctly explain it but I was feeling a way that I had never felt before, which is why I KNEW that it was definitely not just a flu.
I remember calling back trying to find out the results of the last two test but they weren't in yet. Its frustrating when you have a difficulty but you don't have any answers! They called me back the next day and said: "Mr. Washington you tested negative for Mono, but you tested positive for Lyme." Yes!!!! I can't tell you how happy me and my family were to FINALLY find out what was really wrong with me; I knew that it was something. We were so excited!!! I asked the doctor: "So what does that mean, I don't know anything about Lyme?" The doctor said: "Well, there is a medicine you can take one pill twice a day or there is another medicine you can take one pill, three times a day...which one do you want." I thought to myself, I've never been to medical school, why would I know what medicine to take? I brushed it off and told her to give me the one that you take three times a day, I wanted to start feeling better as soon as possible!
Finally, I would be on the road to recovery...Or so I thought. I took that medicine for a week, and at the end of that week, I could NOT walk...My world started to get real crazy....
Monday, November 14, 2011
Grace
I will get back to my daily battle with Lyme Disease tomorrow, but I wanted to reflect on something that has really made me take a step back and think.
We have ALL heard about the huge scandal at Penn State. I have even made mention of it in an earlier blog because of how it has flooded all news networks. I have read the graphic and rather disturbing 23 page report on what has happened. What is so crazy though is that the grace of God is so HUGE that it's large enough to cover what Mr. Sandusky has allegedly done. A biblical understanding of Jesus teaches that the grace of God literally covers EVERYTHING that we do.
It's amazing when I can desperately be in need of the grace of God when I have let him down, or disappointment Him in one way or the other; and yet when someone else does something horrible it seems that the grace of God magically runs out?! I had to ask God's forgiveness for thinking that just because I may go to church, read my bible, and fellowship with believers that I am entitled to God's grace more than someone who allegedly has extremely inappropriate relations with minor boys.
I am often guilty of thinking this way and maybe you are too of the thought that the better I am the less I am in need of the grace of Jesus Christ. I want to be clear that in no means am I justifying the alleged crimes of Mr. Sandusky, I personally believe that what he did was TERRIBLE! However I want to stretch you thinking today and help all of us to understand that nothing we do is so terrible that the grace of God cannot cover it! As ugly as the aforementioned crimes are...as ugly as you and my sin is...HIS grace STILL covers it!!! Thats crazy love and I'm so glad that God's grace comes in my life and in my world, aren't you?
We have ALL heard about the huge scandal at Penn State. I have even made mention of it in an earlier blog because of how it has flooded all news networks. I have read the graphic and rather disturbing 23 page report on what has happened. What is so crazy though is that the grace of God is so HUGE that it's large enough to cover what Mr. Sandusky has allegedly done. A biblical understanding of Jesus teaches that the grace of God literally covers EVERYTHING that we do.
It's amazing when I can desperately be in need of the grace of God when I have let him down, or disappointment Him in one way or the other; and yet when someone else does something horrible it seems that the grace of God magically runs out?! I had to ask God's forgiveness for thinking that just because I may go to church, read my bible, and fellowship with believers that I am entitled to God's grace more than someone who allegedly has extremely inappropriate relations with minor boys.
I am often guilty of thinking this way and maybe you are too of the thought that the better I am the less I am in need of the grace of Jesus Christ. I want to be clear that in no means am I justifying the alleged crimes of Mr. Sandusky, I personally believe that what he did was TERRIBLE! However I want to stretch you thinking today and help all of us to understand that nothing we do is so terrible that the grace of God cannot cover it! As ugly as the aforementioned crimes are...as ugly as you and my sin is...HIS grace STILL covers it!!! Thats crazy love and I'm so glad that God's grace comes in my life and in my world, aren't you?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Maybe a summer flu?
June 2009 was a weird month for me! I was having a constant headache that would not go away. I can remember not only having this constant headache but also feeling symptoms of a flu. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than catching a 'bug' in the summertime. The time when people are usually outside, just enjoying life. I took some over-the-counter medicine and can remember that it being towards the end of the month when it seemed that I started feeling better. What I had no clue of at this time however is the fact that I had already contracted Lyme, but that being the farthest thing from my mind, I just thought that it was a summer flu. My immune system was fighting against what was going on and that's why I started feeling somewhat better.
If you remember from an earlier post, I was at this particular time, at an annual Campmeeting. While there a terrible storm came on the campus on a Friday evening. When the storm started I was actually under a tent preparing for a worship service to begin that I was leading out in. The wind and rain picked up as I looked around the tent began falling. I ran out and as soon as I got out of the tent and looked back, the entire tent was on the ground! It was a difficult ten days trying to repair the campus and put it back together.
When I returned home after Campmeeting finished I was totally exhausted, and all I did was sleep! I remember people asking me how I was doing and all I would say was: "I'm so tired! I need some rest!" I credited my fatigue with the fact that I had been extremely busy the last couple of weeks. People would say to me: "You need to exercise more. You need to take more vitamins. What you need to do is eat better." All of these may have been true, but it wasn't what I needed.
May I suggest to someone today that there are many people who give you things in this life, but those things are not what you really need. There are many people who say things to you, but its not what you need to hear. How many people do you have in you life right now that are giving you things but not changing your life?
I would not really get what I needed until 5 months later...See you tomorrow, in my world!
If you remember from an earlier post, I was at this particular time, at an annual Campmeeting. While there a terrible storm came on the campus on a Friday evening. When the storm started I was actually under a tent preparing for a worship service to begin that I was leading out in. The wind and rain picked up as I looked around the tent began falling. I ran out and as soon as I got out of the tent and looked back, the entire tent was on the ground! It was a difficult ten days trying to repair the campus and put it back together.
When I returned home after Campmeeting finished I was totally exhausted, and all I did was sleep! I remember people asking me how I was doing and all I would say was: "I'm so tired! I need some rest!" I credited my fatigue with the fact that I had been extremely busy the last couple of weeks. People would say to me: "You need to exercise more. You need to take more vitamins. What you need to do is eat better." All of these may have been true, but it wasn't what I needed.
May I suggest to someone today that there are many people who give you things in this life, but those things are not what you really need. There are many people who say things to you, but its not what you need to hear. How many people do you have in you life right now that are giving you things but not changing your life?
I would not really get what I needed until 5 months later...See you tomorrow, in my world!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sabbath
Good morning everyone! In my world I do acknowledge the biblical command that God, for some reason, chose to rest on the seventh day of His creation and I still believe that He wants for us to do the same. To rest from anything and everything that is common and usual to us and spend 24 hours reflecting on his goodness!
Because of this, my blogs on Saturday will be rather brief. However I would like to challenge anyone who reads, to maybe for the first time, rest from any activity that cannot specifically help you to reflect on God's goodness. I want to challenge others that do "keep the Sabbath" to possibly consider doing something different as well. The true meaning of the sabbath, although it does command us to rest, does not necessarily mean to sleep. I challenge you on this day to rest in what God has done for all of us. Realizing this I would like to challenge you to intentionally perform an act of kindness to someone today! Don't let this day go by without you doing something meaningful in the life of someone else. Speak a word of encouragement, give someone some money, lend a helping hand, etc.
In my world I have realized that heaven will not have room for selfish people...see you tomorrow!
Because of this, my blogs on Saturday will be rather brief. However I would like to challenge anyone who reads, to maybe for the first time, rest from any activity that cannot specifically help you to reflect on God's goodness. I want to challenge others that do "keep the Sabbath" to possibly consider doing something different as well. The true meaning of the sabbath, although it does command us to rest, does not necessarily mean to sleep. I challenge you on this day to rest in what God has done for all of us. Realizing this I would like to challenge you to intentionally perform an act of kindness to someone today! Don't let this day go by without you doing something meaningful in the life of someone else. Speak a word of encouragement, give someone some money, lend a helping hand, etc.
In my world I have realized that heaven will not have room for selfish people...see you tomorrow!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Welcome!
I want to welcome everyone to my world!!! A world of open and honest reflection on my life, what it's been like to live with Lyme Disease and practical/spiritual life lessons that I have learned along the way. I promise you that I have learned more in the past two years than a person could learn in an entire lifetime! I need to let you know that there is MUCH MORE to life than: being born, growing up, going to school, getting a job...and living what some call "The American Dream". I truly believe that the events that have happened to me helped me to know and understand that most of us (especially me) live our lives and let our entire lives pass by without really walking into what God ultimately wants us to do and that leaves us forever chasing after things that quickly bore us!
I have, as I am sure you have been bombarded with the thinking in the media about what has been going on at Penn State. Where a man used his influence and position to destroy the lives of young boys. I am not sure how you have been digesting the information, but I have personally been shocked. I am not shocked however at the actions of the Football coach on the young boys. It was difficult reading the 32 page report on what happened (I caution you if/when you read, its very graphic) yet that wasn't what really surprised me either. What really made me cringe was how we live in such a messed up world that we value someone's tenure over someone's integrity. The long time tenured coach of Penn State football has been a wonderful influence on so many people! Yet, how can we cry, throw over vehicles, and cause a terrible scene about the college letting him go (which in my opinion they should have), and not say much about lives that have been forever changed because they were abused?!? That just doesn't make sense to me...but hey, thats our world.
The changes in my world started two years ago, in June 2009. I had been accustomed to, for the past three years going up to a campground in Pennsylvania to get things ready for an annual "Campmeeting" that takes place for ten days. I entered this summer excited about my coming ordination that I would receive from the Seventh-day Adventist Church. It had been a routine summer, nothing really strange or out of the ordinary had happened. However as I was leaving the campground one Thursday afternoon I began having migraine headaches that continued for the next four days. I thought the headaches were because of the stress of driving back and forth from Maryland to Pennsylvania each week, while pastoring at the same time; or maybe I was extremely tired and just needed some rest? I thought I knew but I had no idea...
See you tomorrow in my world...
I have, as I am sure you have been bombarded with the thinking in the media about what has been going on at Penn State. Where a man used his influence and position to destroy the lives of young boys. I am not sure how you have been digesting the information, but I have personally been shocked. I am not shocked however at the actions of the Football coach on the young boys. It was difficult reading the 32 page report on what happened (I caution you if/when you read, its very graphic) yet that wasn't what really surprised me either. What really made me cringe was how we live in such a messed up world that we value someone's tenure over someone's integrity. The long time tenured coach of Penn State football has been a wonderful influence on so many people! Yet, how can we cry, throw over vehicles, and cause a terrible scene about the college letting him go (which in my opinion they should have), and not say much about lives that have been forever changed because they were abused?!? That just doesn't make sense to me...but hey, thats our world.
The changes in my world started two years ago, in June 2009. I had been accustomed to, for the past three years going up to a campground in Pennsylvania to get things ready for an annual "Campmeeting" that takes place for ten days. I entered this summer excited about my coming ordination that I would receive from the Seventh-day Adventist Church. It had been a routine summer, nothing really strange or out of the ordinary had happened. However as I was leaving the campground one Thursday afternoon I began having migraine headaches that continued for the next four days. I thought the headaches were because of the stress of driving back and forth from Maryland to Pennsylvania each week, while pastoring at the same time; or maybe I was extremely tired and just needed some rest? I thought I knew but I had no idea...
See you tomorrow in my world...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
My daily battle
These past two years of my life have literally taught me that absolutely NOTHING is promised to us. Two years ago I contracted Lyme Disease along with other co-infections. I reached the age of 30 this year and told myself that I wanted to do more with my life! I currently do a lot already but I feel that I want to do more; and I realized that blogging would be a great way to inspire people and get my story out to that no one would go through what I have and continue to deal with.
This is my first of thousands of blogs that I will post in my world, Wash's World; and give inspiration, truth, and what I believe are practical life lessons for every day life! Be blessed and please pass these notes along to others. I will see you tomorrow!
This is my first of thousands of blogs that I will post in my world, Wash's World; and give inspiration, truth, and what I believe are practical life lessons for every day life! Be blessed and please pass these notes along to others. I will see you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)